Wednesday, December 5, 2007

24 Things Kiefer Sutherland Can Do In Jail

Kiefer Sutherland was sentenced to 48 days in jail today and he started serving his time immediately.

In case Kief gets some online time in the clink, I've come up with 24 things he (or Jack Bauer) can occupy his time with.

  1. Make friends with cell mate. Watch him get killed like everyone else close to Jack Bauer.
  2. Make prank phone calls to Chuck Norris in a desperate attempt to neutralize number one threat.
  3. Re-think Phone Booth. Why Kiefer why?
  4. Hang up picture of Jennifer Aniston in solidarity.
  5. Take time to read...better scripts.
  6. Finally get a meal and some sleep.
  7. Yell for schematics of the jail. Escape in an amazing Prison Break/24 cross-promotion.
  8. Find Jesus. Interrogate him for information.
  9. Refer to everyone as Chloe.
  10. Avenge the death of David Palmer.
  11. Found Canadian gang, the Canuckle Sandwiches.
  12. Write letters to Charlie Sheen. Ask him to send Young Guns on VHS for street cred.
  13. Get memorial tattoo of Curtis, Terri and Tony Almeda.
  14. Book that band you manage for a show at the dining hall.
  15. Mediate the Writers Strike by any means necessary. Pain serum may be necessary.
  16. Carve shank out of Golden Globe.
  17. Trade Emmy for cigarettes and toilet wine
  18. Pitch pilot to Fox: Dancing Behind Bars.
  19. Fashion well fitting jeans and long-sleeve thermal tee out of prison jumper
  20. Prepare motivational cliches and anecdotes for late night talk shows upon release
  21. Hope that they let you go after 84 minutes too.
  22. Start writing memoir. Stop halfway when you realize you are in fact not Jack Bauer.
  23. Fix the flawed BCS system by challenging the top 10 teams to an arm wrestling match
  24. Get sober.