I'm So Exicted! I'm So...SCARED!

I fucking love Saved By The Bell. I use love in present tense because my crush on Zach Morris has yet to end.

And it looks like it won't anytime soon thanks to this. Dustin Diamond, aka Samuel "Screech" Powers, is writing a tell-all book about the goings-on behind the scenes of Saved By The Bell.

Behind The Bell (I know, best title ever right?) will detail the casts' sexual exploits, boozing, and (cross your fingers) drug use, and not those lame caffeine pills either.

I know what you're thinking: This is awesomely awful. You want so badly to hate this idea, but yet you can't wait to read it on your next vacation. I will be buying five copies. One for me, and four more for my next few gift occasions. Nothing says "Happy Birthday Grandma" like a chapter on Belding doing lines off a hooker's stomach.

Photo: Katfm.com

Slater Wrote A Book?!

Not Slater so much as Mario Lopez. Everyone's favorite game show host and resident Bayside stud recently co-authored a guidebook to sculpting the perfect body.

There's no denying Mario has a great body, and he is the last of the Saved By The Bell set actually doing something. (No, I refuse to count Elizabeth Berkley, new Bravo show and all).

And apparently I'm only 6 weeks away from my best body ever. If I do his plan twice, won't I be able to improve on my best body ever? It's like an MC Escher painting.

Maybe I'm cynical. But I just got a little chuckle when I heard he wrote a book. Any thoughts on this people?

Ask Elizabeth, But Only If You Have To

Everyday I find another reason to get down on my knees and thank the good lord for GMail. Today is no exception.

While checking my messages today I saw a sponsored advertisement for a website called Ask-Elizabeth. It's a resource for tween and teen girls to learn more about peer pressure, body image, friendships, health, boys, etc. They can ask anonymous questions and swap stories with girls everywhere. And you'll never guess which beacon of Girl Power is bringing this site straight to browsers everywhere...Elizabeth Berkley.

Yes, that Elizabeth Berkley, Jessie " Caffeine Addict, oil-derrick bound, long-skirt cheerleader" Spano from Saved By The Bell. You may also remember her from a little movie called Showgirls. Nothing says "I am committed to making a positive impact on young girls around the world" like a DVD Box set that comes with pasties.

I may joke, but I do applaud Berkley for devoting so much time to this endeavor. Resources for young ladies have come a long way since Gurl (Remember that anybody? You may have checked your first e-mail on it while you read your Delia's catalog). Anyway, it's just funny that young women are looking to Elizabeth Berkley for guidance. Jessie Spano may have been a better choice. At least she got into Stanford.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

I love 10-Day forecasts from the Weather Channel. Other than checking in for my flight, it is my favorite online pre-travel activity. Today I discovered my airplane will be arriving in the middle of scattered snow showers! Snow in the forecast means some great things:

• Holiday specials on TV (The homeless father and daughter on Saved By The Bell anyone?)
  
• I can bring my "Sleigh Bell Grande" playlist out of hiding
• The return of my snowman earrings
• My favorite SNL holiday sketch ever is now in heavy rotation on my computer, much to the dismay of anyone coming close to me from now until New Years.

It begins! Enjoy!

My Secret About Spending A Life In TV

Last night I went to see Frank Warren, creater of PostSecret, speak at a local bookstore. He was reverent, funny and passionate about the project. I felt a sense of warmth and community just sitting in the room. Sitting in a room of fans, at a concert, bookreading, speech, etc. is a one of a kind feeling. It's hard to duplicate that overwhelming sense of commonality.

I bought Warren's newest compilation, "A Lifetime of Secrets." I thumbed through the pages and searched through the artwork. I was reminded that if I ever turned in one of these postcards, I would be more self-conscious about my chubby-fingered artwork than the secret itself. A few pages in, I saw one that caught my eye. Not the piecemeal collage, or the faded type. The secret itself yelled into my face.

"TV lied to me about how life would be."


Cut out pictures of the cast of Saved By The Bell and Buffy the Vampire Slayer graced the card. Saved By The Bell (and a jillion other teen shows), lied to me too. I think it decieved a lot of small children. We wanted to befriend the principal, play 8 different sports, have a friend group we could constantly pluck romantic interests from, be the class clown. They neglected to talk about the awful parts of high school. Rejection, depression, loneliness. I was ill prepared for that part.

But who is to blame? The good people at SBTB, who just wanted to make money shilling neon green tank tops and giant cellular phones? Me, for believing it was all too real? My folks for setting my brother and I in front of the TV on Saturday mornings while they made breakfast? All of us? I've spent the last 24 hours wondering. Who am I and what have I become, what have I experienced as a result of a lifetime of televison misconceptions? All of this may be crazy, but it made me think.

Mission accomplished PostSecret.

Gimme Less. A Lot Less.

Not only do I use the sleep timer on my TV while I fall asleep, but I use the on-timer to wake up. For those of you not familiar with this device, it's essentially a clock-television. Should my 3 cell phone alarms not do the job, at 6 AM on the nose I am woken up by series of progressively louder beeps and then TBS for the opening chords of the Saved By The Bell theme song. Other than the smell of freshly cooked bacon, it is the best way to wake up.

Last night, instead of setting the TV for TBS, I accidently set it for MTV-Hits, MTV's annoying kid sister that only only plays shitty pop videos.

So imagine my surprise this morning when the piercing beeps weren't the only shrill noise blasting my ear drums. Instead, the first thing I saw this morning was Britney Spears' gyrating pelvis. Color this my worst morning in recent memory.

I don't want anymore of that. No thank you.