Worst Week Ever

Guess who's having the worst year ever...seriously? Lynne Spears.

Yes You Lynne Spears!

Britney can't keep her hands free of iced coffees long enough to take care of her kids. Now she's about to lose them to K-Fed. When a greasy back-up dancer with minimal rap abilities looks like Bill Cosby next to Britney, you know she's really gotten "toxic." Mama Spears needed to rope that in a long time ago, and now it's probably too late.

And then. The kicker.

Younger sis Jamie Lynn is following in her older sister's cracked out, dirt cheap weave, fast food soaked footprints.

JL, star of kid's show Zoey 101, is preggers. Not only is she with child, but she's owning it...borderline proud. Yes, it's the Jamie Lynn you remember. She's 16-years-old. I don't know if Nickelodeon is going to let her back on the lot. The father? Her 19-year-old non celebrity boyfriend. 19 eh? Statutory must not be in younger Spears vocabulary yet. Maybe she never cracked open that deck of SAT analogy cards.

Poor Lynne. Rumor has it she was shopping a book on parenting to different Christian publishers. It was a bad idea six months ago and unless she's framing her younger daughter's little one as an immaculate conception, this shit isn't going to fly.

File this under ridiculous.

I don't even know what else to say.

Writers Strike: Weekly Update

• NBC late-night heavyweights Jay Leno & Conan O'Brien are headed back to work on January 2nd. The press releases from both hosts sited the non-writing staff as the primary reason for the return. While it's admirable, it's also disheartening. Re-runs of late-night shows are the only evidence of the strike for some people. If they go back on the air, some may think the writers are losing the struggle, or worse, that the fight is over. 

• Letterman is coming back to the airwaves even sooner, but since he owns the rights to his show, he negotiated with the writers and they've come to an independent resolution. That's class.

• If you'd like to tell the Los Angeles City Council how you feel about the strike, here are some instructions, names, e-mail addresses and even a form letter. Now you have no excuse. 

•  Maybe an all out battle like this wouldn't be a bad idea. At least everyone would go out swinging. 

• President of the Screen Actors Guild, Alan Rosenberg, wrote a statement of solidarity to the WGA. The two guilds are working very closely on this strike, as SAG is due for contract negotiations in the spring, on most of the same terms. The partnership is also going to make for a boring awards season. The actors aren't breaking the writers picket lines at the Golden Globes and presumably The Oscars. However, the writers have agreed to attend and write for the SAG Awards. Maybe people will actually watch them this year. 

Marathon Woman

I only have Showtime at my parents' house. It's annoying but it means I can spend more money on Sour Patch Kids and iTunes. But I'm home for the holidays and that means one thing: I'm stocking up on all of the premium channels I can. 

First off: I desperately need to watch the last four episodes of Dexter. To say I am worried about spoiler alerts is an understatement. I am freaked out. Have you seen those new Burger King commercials? It's at " I want a Whopper now!!" level.  Making it worse, Dexter is kind of hard to watch in marathon form. It's bloody, dramatic, and Michael C. Hall's voice is seductive yet approaching soporific. Furthermore, my dad bet me $5 that I can't catch up on the last three episodes tonight so we can watch the season finale together tomorrow. $5! Now there's a mediocre lunch at stake. I can't blow this. What's a girl to do?

The only thing I can do: I'm going to crack my neck, get a glass of ice water and buckle in for a long and gory night. 

Even Viva Laughlin Is Better Than This

There's nothing on TV tonight. The entire day for that matter. My Tivo usually records 11-15 "suggested" shows per day. Suggestions are things the Tivo would think I like. I provide a thumbs up or thumbs down with the remote to give him some information about my tastes.

Today, the Tivo only recorded two things. An episode of Biography about Will Smith (thumbs down) and and episode of America's Next Top Model that I think I've seen about 11 times (double thumbs down).

Sensing my displeasure, I think the box just gave up. It hasn't recorded anything else since before 10.

With no recorded TV I went the old fashioned way. I went through the screen guide and tried to find something interesting. No luck. I am currently suffering my way through an episode of Sex and the City. Even the one where Miranda meets Steve doesn't seem interesting tonight.

My books and DVDs are packed away. No luck there.

This is my own private corner of hell. I don't think I'm addicted to the TV, but on nights like this, when I don't even care about what I'm watching and I can't turn it off I'm beginning to think I have a problem.

Maybe Intervention is on.

This Is Not An Exit

I'm moving on Monday. At the end of a delicious going away dinner my friends and I shared a joke about me possibly being on a program like The Truman Show. Maybe the new season was supposed to follow me in a new town with new people and crazy new hijinks, but the ratings plummeted and I had to go back home. Our dinner was the fall finale.

The whole thing made us chuckle, but it got me thinking about my favorite series finales. It's hard to sum up years of ups and downs, laughs, tears, horrible guest appearances and random subplots into 22 or 44 minutes. It's no wonder most of them are hideous and never true to form. Here are some that did their respective show justice:

• The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Banks family packed up and moved to New York . Will stayed behind and promised to finish school and call every Sunday. But even better? Alfonso Ribiero gave the people what they wanted and did the Carlton dance one last time. And at the end, he ran down the stair case, hardly keeping his pants up after his family forgot him. Funny, heartwarming, perfect.
  

• Dawson's Creek: Set 5 years in the future, the gang meets up for Dawson's mother's wedding. We find out Dougie's gay, Jack's a teacher, Joey lives in a really nice apartment and Pacey owns the Icehouse. Even better? Jen has a heart condition and a baby. She later collapses, goes into the hospital and dies. Unexpected but her funeral made for some interesting drama the show had been lacking for two seasons. Better still? Joey chose Pacey. No brainer there.
  

• Roseanne: A lot of people didn't like this one, but I thought it was kind of creepy...and brilliant. In the episode, Darlene and David welcome home their new baby girl Harris Connor Healy, (still one of the best baby names on TV). The family laughs and hugs, it's really cute, etc. But then in the last 5 minutes you find out the entire last season of the show was a novel Roseanne was working on. They never won the lottery, and Dan died of a heart attack. You can read her entire monologue here.
  

• Mad About You: Mabel, (Paul and Jamie's daughter) is all grown up and we see all of our favorite characters through the lense of her documentary examining her family history. It was an innovative approach. The final montage makes me smile every time. The ep also has one of my favorite jokes of all time. A teenage Mabel wants to change her name to Sonya. Her parents insist that her name was specially picked for her and that it's an acronym (Mothers Always Bring Extra Love) Sidenote: That episode was also wonderful by the way. I digress, Mabel responds very angrily. "Sonya is an acornym too. Some Other Name You A..." and the scene cuts off.
  

The worst part about series finales, and life I guess, is that when you leave, it feels like the characters you remember and loved are still having fun somewhere, you're just not around or uninvited. I think that's why my favorite ones are where you can see what happens in the future. It gives you a glimpse into what you're missing. At least with life, you can just call and ask.

WGA Awards Nominatons

Well I can't argue with these nominations. Where the Golden Globes failed, the Writers Guild of America succeeded in recognizing some serious talent from this year.

Take a look at the nominees for best television comedy:

Curb Your Enthusiasm
Entourage
Flight of the Conchords
The Office
30 Rock

Flight of the Conchords is highly underrated and I'm glad that they were recognized here. If you're not familiar with New Zealand's favorite novelty folk band, you can check them out here. The show is kind of quirky and obscure but it's hard to keep from laughing, even though you don't always understand why. HBO's best decision in a long time and a great way to forget about Lucky Louie.

All sense has not been lost. Thank you WGA. Other than this whole strike business, you are having the best year ever.

Golden Globe Nominations Day!

The Golden Globe nominations came out very early this morning and the nominees in television aren't that shocking. More surprising is who isn't nominated. If you're curious, you can find the entire list here.

Here are the nominees for musical or comedy television: 30 Rock,Californication, Entourage,Extras, and Pushing Daisies.

Some solid choices. I would like to see 30 Rock win again, and from this slate of candidates they probably will. But let's discuss who's not on here. Where's The Office? Maybe not they're best showing recently, but it's still better than Entourage this season. Or how about Weeds? Weeds had a great run, and was more compelling than ever before. But no love from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association? Douches.

Here's another category; drama series: Big Love, Damages, Grey’s Anatomy, House, Mad Men, and The Tudors. I finally watched an episode of House and while I still don't like it, I can see why other people do. Would I nominate it for a Golden Globe? Probably not, but Hugh Laurie is pretty good and he was recognized by the HFPA as well.

However, selecting Grey's Anatomy is just getting lazy. That show has been truly poor in recent months. Not only have the storylines suffered but the actors seem disenchanted with the whole process. Katherine Heigl just came out recently saying she's having a hard time with the direction her character is going.

The awards should be interesting this year. Assuming the Writers Strike is still going the celebrities may not even cross the picket line to show up. And the presenters will have to write they're own material. So if you thought the corny jokes were lame, just wait, it can get worse.

Mark your calendar, the Golden Globes are on TV January 13.

Hump Day Updates

So much to talk about. Let's get right to it.

• Kid Nation ended tonight. It was kind of a sad episode. I am ashamed to admit it, but I shed a few tears. Not only when the kids saw their parents for the first time in 40 days, but at the end when I realized the show may not come back for a second season. So upsetting. We'll always have Jared.
  

• Though I am sad to leave Bonanza City, I already have a reality show replacement: Crowned. So awesomely bad. The show is about mother/daughter pairs competing for a pageant title and $100,000. I could've written 1000 words on tonight's pilot episode alone. This episode, each pair had to make up a team name. One team called themselves the Blonde Bombshells, others the Diamond Dolls. But one team decided to go with Silent But Deadly. Supposedly they didn't know that is also a laugh-inducing euphemism. Carson Kressley of Queer Eye fame is one of the judges and he provides some comic relief. It's like watching Cirque De Soleil; I am mesmerized by how awful it is.
  

• TV shows have trailers now. I don't like this trend, but that's a whole 'nother story. The trailer for season 4 of Lost made its way around the blogosphere today. Since I have until February, I might try to catch up on the second half of season 3 and give the show another chance. With the writer's strike going strong, I won't have much else to watch anyway.
  

• Regis Philbin is set to host a re-make of the series Password. Because 25 versions of the show just aren't enough.

• Chris March is back on Project Runway. All is right with the world.
  

Getting Terminated Is Fun Again!

My friend Mary Beth spent over an hour this morning on Elf Yourself. If you haven't been to this web site, be warned: You may spend painstaking amounts of time trying to get it just right. If you're up for it, it's worth it.

Anyway, in the same vein as EY, I heard about the new website for Terminator: The Sarah Connors Chronicles. The show premieres in January and picks up where Terminator 2 left off. (Essentially, it's the long version of Universal Studios Terminator Experience)

Anyway, they have a fun page where you can "get terminated." You upload your picture and it messes with your face to make you look like a robot. It's kind of scary and definitely not as charming as Elf Yourself, but instead of watching a little guy dance, you get to see Sarah Connor blast your head off in a battle to save the Earth.

This is a great way to spend 5 minutes...or if you're like Mary Beth, the rest of the day.

I'll Take Myocardinal Infarction for $100

Jeopardy host Alex Trebek had a heart attack. He is okay now but isn't going back to the show until January. I think the stress finally got to him.

I have one question at a time like this: Does this mean he will not be enjoying delicious cheese curds when he visits Wisconsin?

Oh No You Didn't!

Janice Dickinson is flippin' nuts.

First she calls Tyra Banks fat on the Today Show...then she tries to back-up. Then she goes Star Jones and tries to bring more shit.

I wouldn't mess with Tyra. No one should bite the sassy black hand that feeds them. She'll Tiffany your ass in heartbeat. And for any JD fans out there (heaven forbid) who say she's a celebrity in her own right. Yeah....no. Tyra made Janice famous again. She'd been skyrocketed into irrelevancy a long time ago. Now she's trying to get sassy so people will watch her awful, awful show.

I'm not buying it. Get over yourself Janice.

Writers Strike: Weekly Update

Trouble in wonderland. The two sides are slinging mud at each other. This is not going well people. In fact, it's only getting worse. But I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. If you want to find out the bad stuff, check out unitedhollywood. Here are the two positive things that happened this week:

• The EPs of The Riches and the United Showrunner Committee are putting together a benefit to raise money for people affected by the strike. Lewis Black, Sarah Silverman, Tenacious D and Eddie Izzard among others are scheduled to perform. The event, dubbed Write Aid (gosh they're creative) is scheduled for December 14 at UCLA.
  

• The writers and fans brought their dogs to the picket line last week.