Stars Behind Bars: The OC Edition

Mischa Barton spent a night in jail after getting arrested for suspicion of drunk driving. She should have been arrested for having a ton of money and awful hair. Or bad acting choices. Lock her up and throw away the key.

My guess? She made a grand escape and slipped through the bars.

When I start my website, pleaseeatasandwich.com, she's going to be on the homepage.

Vicious Cycle

When the news of former Pakistani PM Benazir Bhutto's assassination hit the US news cycle, I was in the middle of a non-stop block of 30 Rock on DVD.

In fact, I didn't learn of her tragic death for three hours. My excuse? A slow day at the house and a play all feature.

Once I heard about the news, I was dumbfounded. By the senseless act of violence and hate, and how I'd been too wrapped up in my own mess, my comedy, my DVD, my morning.

There are people across the country, too many, who have no idea what happened today. Most were probably watching TV or movies, just two clicks away from the internet, steps away from a newspaper or a friend.

What's my point? I'm getting there, I swear. We're given everything when we want it. We have so many options that we can see what we want and skip what we don't. I enjoy avoiding the commercials on my Tivo, or with DVDs and I can argue that I'm not missing much. But by ducking those chance encounters, I'm really missing...a lot.

People move faster, technology catchs up with them and the cycle continues. Violence tears families apart, the Earth melts away, people are eating too much. The cycles feed into each other and both of them are messing us up. But how do you change that? Does anyone really want it to change? Or is it just something nice to think about?

I just don't know where to start.

Like The Civil Rights Movement...But For Dudes

The struggle is over my friends. Everyone will have the opportunity to watch Tom Brady and the Patriots crush the Giants on Saturday.

Missed the whole thing? Originally, the game was only available on the NFL Network. This wouldn't have been a big deal but if the Patriots win, they will be the first team in league history to have a perfect regular season. Needless to say, the 60% of Americans with TVs who don't have the NFL network want to see it.

After weeks of insisting they wouldn't budge on their position, the NFL decided to simulcast the game on CBS and NBC.

This is a turning point for football fans, the network and the cable companies, as all three have had a tumultuous time dealing with each other this year. The feud is on hold this week and everyone can just sit back and watch the Patriots make some history. Once the warm glow wears off next week it will be interesting to see where this goes. My guess? The NFL Network won't make it more than a few years.

Writers Strike: Weekly Update

I missed you guys on Monday. Not too much happening this week or last because of the holiday. Talks are stilled virtually stalled out. It's not looking good.

• Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are returning to the air on January 7th, without writers.
  

• The WGA granted a waiver to the Spirit Awards. Awesome. Since the Oscars and Golden Globes will suck, hopefully people will watch the show honoring indie films and some up-and-comers will get the credit and audience they deserve.
  
• Tiffany Pollard (pictured), a.k.a. VH1's New York, got engaged to that dude that won I Love New York 2. Expect more ridiculous marriages based on shitty reality shows should the strike continue.
  

Writing Winter Break!

I won't be posting to edubTV today or tomorrow to ring in my family's annual gift giving holiday.

To tide you over, please enjoy one of my favorite holiday clips, Christmastime for the Jews. This musical SNL sketch was overshadowed on its premiere episode in 2006 by Lazy Sunday.

I'll be back Christmas night or Wednesday to discuss the best tactics for re-gifting boxed sets you don't want. (No really, I don't watch Buffy...seriously.)

Until then!

Escape Into TV This Holiday Season

Every holiday, television networks work very hard to attract viewers and retain them when their days off are over. The best way to do this is with marathons. Nothing says, "Please watch my channel" like a non-stop block of Cops. These marathons are also awesome for testing the waters on a new show or having a ham coma on the couch.

So in case you feel like tuning in, here are the best and worst marathons on TV the next few days:

• TNT is airing a mini-marathon of ER holiday episodes. ER recognized the importance of the fall finale long before that term existed. These episodes represent some of the best dramatic television of the mid to late nineties. The episodes start Christmas Eve Morning. If nothing else, make time for Hindsight, one of my favorite ERs ever at 1:35 pm CST.
  

• A&E is airing several episodes of Cold Case Files. This show is kind of intense, but well made. If you're into crime shows, might I suggest the Christmas marathons of Cold Case, Monk or CSI:Miami. Brighter colors, cheesier dialogue and less talk about dead children, at least real ones. The latter marathons are on TNT, USA and A&E respectively. Old school CSI is also in marathon form on Spike...but you'll have to sit through their commercials which leave a lot to be desired.
  

• The History Channel is running an all-day tribute to UFOs. Don't ask me how it relates to history. Last week they aired Forest Gump. I think they're running out of content. Anyway, it's a bunch of different shows which is a refreshing innovation to the marathon. You can see Deep Sea UFOS, UFO Hunters, and Beyond War of the Worlds. Just nerdy enough to be cool.
  

• And if you feel like hating yourself this Christmas, you can tune in to The Hills marathon on MTV or the Countdown one (100 Greatest Reality Moments, 100 Greatest songs of the '80s) on VH1. Please don't watch this. Just don't give in to the temptation and subject yourself to irrelevant people pretending to be relevant talking about ridiculous things...and that's just on VH1.

• The best marathon of all starts on the evening of the 24th with 24 Hours of A Christmas Story. For several years in a row, my favorite gift has been this marathon. It's hilarious, heart-felt and bundled up in tradition, just like Randy in a snowsuit. And unlike most movies, I really can watch it over and over again. It has some kind of magic power.
  

And now you have something to do over Christmas Eve and Christmas. Well, outside of family stuff. For some of you, instead of family stuff. And for my chosen friends out there, you just get to enjoy the spoils.

Stars Behind Bars: Topanga Edition

Danielle Fishel, (girl-geek and awkward wife), Topanga on Boy Meets World , was arrested this morning on a drunk driving warrant.

Let's think of all the reasons Topanga would have to be drinking and driving:

• Former flame Lance Bass is no longer interested.
  
• Boy Meets World re-runs are hard to find now, even on Disney.
  
• She's a correspondent to the Tyra show, which is a punishment in and of itself
• Other than BMW, the only remarkable thing on her acting resume is an episode of Yes, Dear
  

Things To Look Forward To

File these under things I am kind of geeked out about:

• The Elmo Christmas Countdown. Elmo is at it again, getting the top stars in movies, TV and film to appear with him on his ABC special. Nothing pleases me more than the Soprano's goons having a sitdown with Bert and Ernie.
  

• Zach Braff is the EP of Saint of Circumstance, a new show starring David Denman (Roy from The Office). The pilot for the Fox drama was written by Adam Braff, Zach's brother. It's about a work-a-day cubicle employee who quits his shitty job to become a paramedic. Awesome or lame? I guess we'll find out after the strike. I don't want to lose hope that Roy is never stepping foot into Dunder-Mifflin again.

• USA's The 4400 and Dead Zone got canceled. Now how will my mother drive me crazy with shitty TV? Oh, I forgot. This won't help me at all.
  

• Fire up your DVRs people: To Catch A Predator is coming back to NBC for one night only! Nothing says Merry Christmas like Chris Hansen reading inappropriate chat logs and showering creepy men with iced tea.
  

Clash of the Choirs: Almost Cool

The other half of this blog may punch me in the face for this very short post, but it must be said.

After making it through almost the entire two-hour episode of Clash of the Choirs last night, I can admit, (with sincerity) that it was not half bad. Dare I say I enjoyed it.

The vocalists blew the pants off of anyone on Idol, the music selections weren't all about JC, and t the judges weren't too hokey. My only complaints were:

• The Host: Maria Menounos is not only obnoxious but I'm about 95% sure she's a cyborg. The only thing on her that moved was her jaw. I don't remember seeing her blink.
  

• Timing: Two hours yesterday and a two hour finale tonight? That's a lot of singing and way too much Menounos.
  

One Moovelous Morning

I fell asleep with the TV on last night. I woke up to a puppet of a singing dairy cow flapping his gums about reading.

Maybe it was because the sun wasn't up. Perhaps it was the frightening eyes of that little calf. It could have Dasha, the bird with the afro puffs. I think she was a token duck, there to add diversity.

All I know is that I couldn't tear my eyes away. I watched the entire episode of Wilbur this morning.

What did I learn? That reading is moovelous.

Don't get it twisted.

...In A Van Down By The River

Chris Farly died 10 years ago yesterday. Like 9/11, I can tell you exactly what I was doing when I heard the news. I was doing a mapping project on the floor and my brother threw a newspaper at the back of my head and said,

"There goes Black Sheep 2."

His callous response to the tragic death of one of the best physical comedians in the past 25 years stuck with me. My next thought went out to his family. The Farleys are long-time Madison residents and this town crumbled a little bit that week. It was hard for a lot of people to grasp the fact that the brightest light to come out of this town was extinguished a bit too soon.

But enough sad stuff. Let's remember Chris Farley the best way possible, with copious laughter.

I'm A Little Bit Excited...And Rock & Roll

Donny & Marie Osmond may be getting their own talk show again. I remember their stint in daytime a few years back. I hate to admit it, but I remember watching it everyday. I think it came on before my actual favorite, Rosie, and I just got hooked. They were witty, excitable, had a great rapport with the guests and their set looked like a sunroom in a late 1980s McMansion; kind of classy, but not over the top.

This is coming across as the second coming in the media. I don't know what everyone is so afraid of. I would much rather hear some positive news from Donny and Marie than the constant yapping from Rachel Ray or va-jay-jay talk Tyra can't stop spewing.

Their new show may be reality, or another syndicated daytime program, but either way I bet there will be singing, painful smiling and casseroles. I'm game.